Death has a way of sucking the proverbial light from a space. For some it is a subtle shift but for many others, an aggressive thrust into darkness. What has been, is no longer now that that person (and yes, animals too) have left.
The darkness really symbolizes the void you feel with the newfound absence. If you ever want to throw your equilibrium off, change conditions where the people you love and who support you are not present and accessible; for example, moving. Now imagine the new scenario is forever (on this side of heaven). It is honestly unthinkable for many of us.
The thing about loss... and grief is that while there are overlaps in feelings experienced, e.g. Sadness, frustration, anger, resentment, emptiness, etc. Each experience is unique. You just cannot, and I repeat cannot completely understand the realities someone faces even if you experienced the same loss. As unique as you are, so are the dynamics and intricacies of your relationships. Your new normal may look similar, for example, waking up every single day post loss and filling the void... but again the details of those voids and how they are filled captures the uniqueness of the experience.
Death and grieving are the last things anyone wants to talk about and the very thought of someone we love losing someone they love is uncomfortable because really what do you do? What do you say?
I dare suggest that many times it's less about your words or actions, unless either is inconsiderate or unthoughtful. Rather it is about you being there, despite your discomfort... but because of theirs. You check in and check up, despite how it inconveniences you but because of the massive "inconvenience", death becomes. Despite your personal moments of confusion but because of theirs, you acknowledge that death sucks...but somehow, you know they will be able to make it through.
You want to be there, because of their pain. And also, because of their emptiness and loneliness--so in the smallest way, they know that they are not alone, even though they are. Ultimately, your presence and support can help them find the dim, yet present rays of light to penetrate the cloud cover of darkness. Because your support, however they prefer you to show it, can sometimes be a crutch for weak knees and palpitating hearts. Because despite how they show it or don't, pain from loss is real and the grieving process sucks.
I said "however they prefer for you to show it". That may be a quiet presence in the immediate days after loss. It may be someone to help distract, you know... "let's go for ice cream so I can get out the house." It may be accompanying them on errands as they prepare for funeral/memorial. It may be someone to text (or call) in the middle of the night when it's just. to. quiet. That call may be nothing more than you sitting listening to gut wrenching sobbing. And then, it may be giving them "space" to breathe but never being so far away that their whisper doesn't alert you to come back.
Final thoughts, grieving lasts more than 2 weeks, 2 months and sometimes even longer than 2 years. It's not yours, so don't devalue, dismiss or detract from it. Again, your support is important and it's less about the fact that you don't understand but you are there, because they don't...understand. You see, death rarely makes sense and sometimes for that alone, finding hope in it is hard. Ultimately for those of us that believe in Christ, He is our hope. But what I have outlined here are practical ways you can "be the hope". You know, how you, an ordinary person can facilitate hope(ing) during the grieving process due to death.
Check out a short clip from my conversation with Zemi on death and grieving.
YouTube (podcast): https://youtu.be/Buce6OZANkA