I think the best definition of shame that "brought it home" for me, was from Dr McGee in his (what I call) landmark book, Search for Significance. If you haven't read it before, stop reading this, go find it and then come back.
Anyhoo, Dr McGee defines shame as "I am what I am. I cannot change". Think about that... and think about areas or the times where you feel (felt) ashamed. It is generally like this, something happened, whether to you or by your choice, then the activity/event/experience itself was negative or the consequence of the experience is negative. More than just humiliation, embarrasment, guilt, icky feelings... in some instances or in some people "shame" gives it a label, and by this label, you are now characterized. Then you internalize this label or characterization and somewhere in there, not only accept this label as true, but hold it and subsequently allowing this characterization to become a permanent part of your identity.
Although the scenario I described above is generic, for whatever reason, not every negative experience, and not every instance of feeling ashamed will result in this process. I think there may be some personalities that may lend itself to embracing shame as well as some type of behaviours that are more shame-worthy. Sadly, if you are a Christian, some "sins" carry greater degradation more than others.
While I will be the first to say, I am not an expert in shame...I humbly "bow" to the amazing Dr Brene Brown for being the Shame guru, I have found shame to tag along closely with rejection and become twin killers of community. And for this reason, I have become a bit more acquainted with it as a "thing".
You see, the person who walks in shame will have a hard time accepting himself/herself and thus will be not very open to authentic connections. The person who walks in shame, has very little value for himself/herself and to that end, may not see the need for relationships. The person who walks in shame may fear relationships, for fear of being "found out". It is always easier for shame to sit in a corner.
Ultimately, hope suffocates in shame. After all, it is who I am, right? This is what I have and there is no need to look forward, to push or to aspire for something more.
This month, I will be journeying through shame, and it began last week with part 1 of my webisode on Stories of Hope with Simmone. as she shares her story of hope through shame. You can view it below. If you haven't already, go to youtube and subscribe so you can get the notification of when Part 2 is released.
race, peace and love,
Dr Gia