What shame does is silences you. It takes away your voice and your action. In many ways, there is a proverbial shrinking for in the diminutive, you are less noticeable. Shame says you are less than. Not worthy. A failure. Rejected.
Now shame originates from a feeling. And this feeling isn't bad in and of itself, there is actually a place in the spectrum of emotions and life. In a healthy perspective, its function, is to highlight that a moral (or personal) code has been breeched and subsequently, remorse, sorrow, regret is experienced... and where applicable penitence is sought. Ideally, the guilt and ruefulness felt should function almost as a "lesson learnt".
This happened... or I did this and it did not align with my personal or moral guidelines, so I will make efforts to refrain in future instances.
However, in many instances, rather than a fleeting emotion...what occurs is another assault to one's identity. Have enough instances where shame is experienced, with subsequent negative feedback and ostracisation from others and it becomes what I call a characteristic. It becomes more stable and defining. The worse instances of shame are those where the proverbial "breech" is to a standard that is not held by the person being demoralized. Or the standard was not understood or known. Most popular example is in the instances of shaming in childhood where children barely understand many actions that they are coerced into or experiment with at the hand of a trusted person.
Shame, unfortunately, becomes a lifestyle and dare I say... shame begets shame. In my interview with Simmone (see below), she talks about always needing validation, approval, permission from others. This is often a direct consequence of shame, as you internalize that your own decisions, thoughts, or opinions are not valuable or credible. It is unhealthy and a direct asault to healthy esteem.
If this is ringing true to you in even the smallest way... it means there are some instances where you have taken on shame as a part of your identity. This post is not to add to that guilt or remorse, but to tell you that you are not alone. it has happened to many of us and the most effective first step, although not easy, is to acknowledge that it has a role in your life. As Dr. Brene Brown would say... "own it".
I will leave you here to chew on this for a bit. Until next time, take a listen to Part 2 of Simmone's story of hope through shame.