This past month of August, we focused on the idea of shame and its role in our lives. The goal was to bring awareness about it and then to bring hope so you can, not only identify how shame is functioning in your life but also, how you can overcome it. Shame does not define you.
Many times the function of shame in our life is significantly impacted by the responses of others who bring judgments by many times, inconsiderate responses to our experiences. There are of course instances where the judgment is intentional, but that’s another story. Either way, this post is to bring awareness as to how we can minimize how we perpetuate this issue in the lives of those we care about and interact with daily.
How to be the hope?
1. Be aware that you will never fully understand any situation. There are always too many other variables that you will not have access to, so my default is that if you cannot fully understand a predicament, then you have no position to judge.
No clauses. Do not judge. Your judgment inflicts an unnecessary value or diminishes the value of another. Just don’t do it.
2. Understand that correction does not require judgment. This is the equivalent to the parent who punishes to hurt or inflict pain on the child and the parent who employs both punishment and reinforcement techniques to decrease negative behavior and increase appropriate behavior, respectively. You want to be the latter if you are in a position of authority in some capacity. Facilitate the process of correction IN LOVE, and be careful that your responses, attitudes and actions are not to punish so you can avoid damaging the person’s identity
3. Understand that breaking a moral code, a rule or some other social boundary does not devalue your role as a person. It also does not devalue the humanness of another person. The action (or inaction) was a choice, whether “right” or “wrong”, rest assured, there are natural consequences for every decision. It’s the law of life and oftentimes, the natural consequence is usually punishment enough. This is even in instances where the person may seem like they have “gotten away”.
This leads me to my other point…
4. Put down your “god pin”. Yep, you know the one that gives you authority to look down upon the sins and trespasses of others. It’s not cute. And honestly, for those of us who are a little more self-aware, we realize that the main purpose this serves is to make us feel better about ourselves. #shady Find your value without devaluing someone else.
FINALLY and most importantly…
5. Find a way to validate someone regularly and especially when they may have made a decision that is less than ideal or one that you may disagree with. That’s the best of “being the hope”… to offer life, in word or action, especially when you may be less inclined to. Usually that’s when it matters the most.
here are probably more that I can think of that may be more specific to experiences but I think this is a good place. As we are in September, our next focus will be on rejection. It’s the sister and principle instigator of shame. If you are interested, check out Epic Church Bahamas on Sunday where I will be teaching in our Rejection series at 10 am.
Grace, peace and love,
Dr Gia