Recovery is a Beautiful and Painful Process
I have been overwhelmed by the encouragement and love and stories, thank you all!
I didn’t anticipate, truthfully, didn’t think about the reaction. I wrote this blog in its totality, otherwise I don’t know if I would’ve been able to share part 2 so honestly, knowing it would be public.
But, emotional trauma affects who we are as adults and shapes our decisions and our lives. This part of the story is intimate and I pray it brings healing to someone.
Am I worthy of love?
In my culture (Guyanese part), my not being married and having kids early is an abomination. A woman’s job is just that. *insert face palm*
While it took until my late twenties to figure out a career, I knew as a child that I wanted to be a mother when I grew up.
So this notion of whether or not I could be a mother - and the heartbreak of that potential reality caused me to be rebellious and careless. I was careless with my heart and my body. I didn’t know the value I carried. No one reinforced that to me post surgery. I truthfully didn’t know that I needed it and I don’t have blame for anyone.
(There is no handbook for life for parents, siblings, family, or friends. We are all winging it and that fact alone should give us all grace toward each other).
As I made poor relationship decisions, God used the years of self-disrespect to chase me down when I was in a broken and fragile state. Through my parents, God loved on me when I felt unlovable and not worthy in a tangible way. It changed my life.
But it wasn’t easy.
My best explanation is that it is like wiping your mind - your very being and all you know - and starting over from scratch.
Here’s a snippet of my process. Note that this is where Dr Gia can help you with practical steps, as I am just storytelling:
· Changing mindset - I moved to the US to live with my parents for six months before graduate school. I deleted my social media. I, for the first time since high school, pulled out a Bible. I worked on managing my thoughts and filtered what I put into my mind (tv, music, books etc).
· Changing environment - living with my parents took me away from the temptations of Nassau. I am fortunate to have somewhere to go. But for you or someone else, this could mean getting an apartment, going back to school or taking a job opportunity on another island or country.
· Changing company - this was gradual and took a few years but I completely changed my group of friends, where I hung out and what events I went to.I am fortunate now to have a group of friends who I can do life with.
· Intentional action - For example, I remember trying to hear God and one of the first things was to give. Give some coupons or money to a stranger. This was teaching me obedience and faith in small things so I would have the same trust in the big situations.
My biggest lesson - God’s love is a verb. I am created with purpose, to give Him glory and He will never leave me. This is a deep rooted belief that allows me to trust Him blindly. To move when it doesn’t make sense to everyone else and to keep serving. This teaching was life-changing at that time: Judah Smith at Passion 2015.
Now to forgiveness.
This process of learning my value started in 2010. I needed to go through all of the above first, for this next step. In 2015, I turned 29 and I was struggling with fear.
I knew because I was not speaking up in little things - for example I was scared to ask my boss for vacation. Plus a long relationship had just ended and while I knew it needed to I was scared I wouldn’t find anyone else because I was getting “old”.
Thankfully a friend connected me to Dr Susan Wallace in Freeport. She wanted to get to the root of the fear - usually rooted in unforgiveness. In our session, I realized that I was still angry at my ninth grade PE teacher that made us do the boot camp where a few days later came the extreme pain that led to surgery.
While I don’t know if it’s tied, I always thought it was. I don’t remember her name but I remember her face and she was pregnant at the time. Before I knew it, I was sharing how this woman took away my ability to have a baby (complete lie I held on to) so she should lose hers (yup real deep here people)!
That thought was deep down in me for almost 20 years. I never thought about this woman in passing. But there it was - paralyzing me as the clock ticked on. We prayed through forgiving her right there.
Life is a Journey, Keep Moving Forward
We can’t want a different life but keep making the same choices. The few years that I have put into me were difficult and at times lonely, but were a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of life.
Whatever your emotional trauma is, you can live a different life, you can find peace. I am proof.
I want to encourage you to continue on the journey forward. Write down affirmations about who God says you are and reinforce them to yourself daily. Don’t be afraid to do things that are “not normally you”. If God is leading you, you will have a peace even if you can’t see the next step, so take the leap. It’s worth it.
For the beautiful, brave women battling PCOS and suffering in silence: remain hopeful. One miracle present throughout the Bible is God’s ability to open wombs. Here are some thoughts on how you can take your life back:
Journal all your symptoms, how they relate to foods you are eating and to stress.
Know your mind. What are your normal moods and reactions? So then you can pinpoint anger or depression and address it early.
You can control your diet. If you can master this you will see significant progress with symptoms. I recommend The South Beach Diet or Whole 30. If you need support, visit Health Coach, Melissa Major at Solomon’s Fresh Market.
Exercise, even if it’s just 30 minutes of walking or yoga. One of the best seems to be HIIT (high intensity interval training). You can do this at home.
Do the blood work necessary to check your mineral levels (magnesium, vitamin D, etc) and to check your thyroid with an endocrinologist. Insurance typically doesn’t cover these.
While I haven’t tried this system, it seems to be successful based on the testimonies. Please do your own research.
As Pastor Rosmery Bethel so beautifully said recently, “your body is designed to carry your destiny and purpose.” God has not forgotten you.
+++
Amanda’s Bio:
Amanda is Co-Founder of Stories of Hope. She works in institutional philanthropy, has a heart for God and is passionately fulfilling her purpose.
Email: amanda@ourstoriesofhope.org
Stories of Hope is a non-profit with a mission to bring awareness, inspire hope and educate people about emotional well-being.